Kowalski & A House Spider
(from Mildred’s Recollections of That Kowalski)
That Kowalski. He used ta tell this joke, about the diff’rence between a etymologist and a entomologist. I says, Kowalski, I doan even know what no entymologist is. He says, Mildred, that’s tha point a the joke, and then he tells ya, ya etymologist is the wan what knows the diff’rence. Ya see, ya etymologist is man who knows about woyds. Well, then ya just gotta ask, ain’t ya? I says, so what’s an entomologist, dear? He says, a entomologist is a guy what studies ya insects. He says, ya thought ya got me there, Mildred, din’t ya. I says, Kowalski, I would never a dreamed ya din’t know.
So, it comes ta the day I’m gonna wash this big hairy spider down the plughole a the bath. He says, Mildred, ya cain’t do that. I says, why not, dear. He says, ya gonna drown it. I says, Kowalski, I gonna wash it away. I says, I doan wan no spider in the bath. I says, ya spider comes crawlin’ in my bath, it’s gotta take its chances. So he says, here, let me get it, an he pulls out his hanky, and picks the great ugly beast up. So I opens the winder. He says, whatcha dooin’. I says I’m openin’ the winder dear, so ya can throw it out.
He says, what the hell would I wanna do that for, Mildred? I says, so we can get rid of it, dear. He says, you gonna throw this baby outta the winder ya might’as well a washed it down the drain.
I says, Kowalski, whaddya talkin’ about? He says, Mildred, this is a house spider. He says, how the hell else is it gonna get in ta the bath? He says, this spider ain’t got no idea how ta get by you throw it outta the winder inta the big wide woyld. I says, whaddya mean it ain’t got no idea a how ta get by? He says, Mildred, this spider has evolved ta go foragin’ in ya floorboards an’ under ya stairs. He says, it ain’t got no way a dealin’ with ya wilderness. He says, you throw this baby outta the winder, ya throwin’ it ta tha wolves. I says, so Kowalski, whaddya gonna do with it? He says, Mildred, I gonna find it a nice quiet corner a the house, where it can get on with whaddits dooin’ without you throwin’ wan a ya wobblies cos it’s in ya bath. And that’s what he does.
So, a coupla weeks later we’re at a social event an’ the guy I’m sittin next ta tells me he’s an entomolgist. He says, I guess ya doan know what that means, honey. Well, I tells him, apart from the fact that I ain’t his honey, which I keeps ta myself, the way I hoyd it an entomologist is a guy what knows a lot more about insects than he does about women. Well, that sure shuts him up. Then I tells him about the house spider, and he starts fallin’ about all over the place. He says, lady, ya kiddin’ me. I says, no, you ask that Kowalski. He says, boy o’ boy, I just gotta tell the guys back at the lab about this one. He says, lady they bin spiders livin’ on this planet since before we even got down offa the trees. I says, you mean they ain’t no house spiders after all? He says, a course they ain’t. He says, they ain’t got no idea whether they’s in a mansion or in a mangrove swamp, ‘ceptin’ a course they’d be wetter in the swamp.
Kowalski is on Vimeo at: https://vimeo.com/55156134
Unbound Press is no longer trading, but if you would like a copy of That’s What Ya Get! Kowalski’s Assertions, I have some copies for sale.
Kowalski in Carlisle:“Thanks for a great evening, Mike. Excellent performance. Only trouble is I can’t get Kowalkski’s voice out of my head. I’m even starting to think like him. What have you done to me!” MW on facebook.”That’s what you get! If you read Mike’s writing, you end up sounding like him.” MC
I thought I was going to choke laughing at Kowalski meets his match – brilliant! – JL, Dundee
That’s What Ya Get! Kowalski’s Assertions is available from
and from Bookends at Carlisle and Keswick
Well, ya might guess Mildred, that’s his old lady, would have something ta say about it sooner or later, so here’s wanna the things she said……
Kowalski The Baby Sitter
(from Mildred’s Recollections of That Kowalski)
Well, Sharon and Joe are gowin’ out for the night, but I’m at the Bridge Club, so that Kowalski, he gotta do the babysitting. I mean whatcha gotta do? The baby’s bin fed. The baby’s bin changed. The baby’s bin read to. The baby’s bin tucked up in its cradle. The cradle’s bin rocked. The baby’s bin sent ta sleep. They’s only gonna be out a coupla hours. Anybody else’d have a sleepin’ baby on their hands, the next four hours.
But not that Kowalski. Soon as they go out the door the baby’s wakes up. As soon as the baby wakes up, it starts cryin’. Now that Kowalski knows about babies. He done brung up a couple a his own. So he rocks the cradle, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he gives it a song, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he reads it a story, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he picks the baby outta the cradle and gives it a hug. The baby keeps on cryin’.
He says, Mildred, I’s beginnin’ ta wonder what’s wrong. I says, what did ya do next, dear? He says, well, I thought it might be too hot, so I turned down the central heatin’, and opened the winda. He says, the baby went on cryin’. He says, Mildred, I thought maybe the baby was too cold, so I turned up the central heatin’ and shut the winda. He says, Mildred, the baby went on cryin’.
I says, you must bin getting’ a little worried, dear. He says, Mildred, I wus sick with worry. He says, so I went round ta the neighbours.
I says, we are the neighbours, dear. He says, I went round the neighbours the other side. I says ta the woman, will you come and look at the baby. So she come and look.
I asks him, What did she say, dear?
He says, Mildred, she says, this baby ain’t too hot. It ain’t too cold. She says, you checked its diapers? I says, I cain’t smell nothin’. She says, neither can I. She says, this diaper a Terry? I says, a Terry? I says, I dint know diapers had names. I says, we had our kids a while back. She says, is it a terry towellin’ diaper, or is it wan with a Velcro? She says, if’n it’s a terry it might a got a safety pin come loose. So we has a look, an’ it ain’t, but the baby keeps on cryin’.
He says, Mildred, I asks her, what’s wrong with it. She says, ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, ‘ceptin’ it ain’t happy.
He says, Mildred, I was fresh outta ideas, an’ it kept on cryin’ right up until about five minutes before they got back.
I says, dint they leave ya a bottle, dear?
He says, Mildred, sure, they left me a bottle, but I dint get time ta drink it.
That’s What Ya Get!The first collection of Kowalski’s Assertions
by Brindley Hallam Dennis and with illustrations by Alex Halfpenny.
Norman Hadley at Lunecy Review says: When ya can get That’s What Ya Get! Get it!
You can get a taste of Kowalski on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Brindley+Hallam+Dennis&search_type=&aq=fin
caught in a lift with; but I’d like to watch someone who was.” – Nick Dowson (author)
I don’t know where Kowalski came from. BHD doesn’t know where he came from, but BHD took him to Lancaster last November:
Kowalski Submits, in the form of a letter rather than a monologue is included in the second issue of Beautiful Scruffiness.