Kowalski, No Kiddin’!

 So Mildred, TMOL, she says we gotta noo woman down at the Bridge Club, done named after a star. She says, whaddya think a that, Kowalski?

            I says, I doan think nuthin’ a it, Mildred. I says, Mildred, I coulda bin named after a star, Cary had bin carryin’ a couple extra syllables.

            She says, no, no, no, Kowalski, that ain’t whaddeye means. I says, it ain’t? She says, a course it ain’t. She says, she wus named after ya dog star.

            I says, Mildred, ya tellin’ me ya gotta woman down at the Bridge Club, name a Rin Tin Tin?

            She says, Kowalski, now ya bein’ stoopid. She says, Kowalski, I’se tellin’ ya we gotta woman down at the Bridge Club name a Sirius.

            I says, Mildred, I’d sure like ta be there she ever gets to meet John MacEnroe!

 
 
Kowalski in Carlisle:
“Thanks for a great evening, Mike. Excellent performance. Only trouble is I can’t get Kowalkski’s voice out of my head. I’m even starting to think like him. What have you done to me!” MW on facebook.
“That’s what you get! If you read Mike’s writing, you end up sounding like him.” MC – in reply!

BHD at Bookcase Carlisle

 I thought I was going to choke laughing at Kowalski meets his match – brilliant! – JL, Dundee

That’s What Ya Get! Kowalski’s Assertions is available online from the publisher, Unbound Press or from

www.bookscumbria.com

and from Bookends at Carlisle and Keswick

Well, ya might guess Mildred, that’s his old lady, would have something ta say about it sooner or later, so here’s wanna the things she said……

Kowalski The Baby Sitter

(from Mildred’s Recollections of That Kowalski)

Well, Sharon and Joe are gowin’ out for the night, but I’m at the Bridge Club, so that Kowalski, he gotta do the babysitting. I mean whatcha gotta do? The baby’s bin fed. The baby’s bin changed. The baby’s bin read to. The baby’s bin tucked up in its cradle. The cradle’s bin rocked. The baby’s bin sent ta sleep. They’s only gonna be out a coupla hours. Anybody else’d have a sleepin’ baby on their hands, the next four hours.

But not that Kowalski. Soon as they go out the door the baby’s wakes up. As soon as the baby wakes up, it starts cryin’. Now that Kowalski knows about babies. He done brung up a couple a his own. So he rocks the cradle, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he gives it a song, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he reads it a story, but the baby keeps on cryin’. So he picks the baby outta the cradle and gives it a hug. The baby keeps on cryin’.

He says, Mildred, I’s beginnin’ ta wonder what’s wrong. I says, what did ya do next, dear? He says, well, I thought it might be too hot, so I turned down the central heatin’, and opened the winda. He says, the baby went on cryin’. He says, Mildred, I thought maybe the baby was too cold, so I turned up the central heatin’ and shut the winda. He says, Mildred, the baby went on cryin’.

I says, you must bin getting’ a little worried, dear. He says, Mildred, I wus sick with worry. He says, so I went round ta the neighbours.

I says, we are the neighbours, dear. He says, I went round the neighbours the other side. I says ta the woman, will you come and look at the baby. So she come and look.

I asks him, What did she say, dear?

He says, Mildred, she says, this baby ain’t too hot. It ain’t too cold. She says, you checked its diapers? I says, I cain’t smell nothin’. She says, neither can I. She says, this diaper a Terry? I says, a Terry? I says, I dint know diapers had names. I says, we had our kids a while back. She says, is it a terry towellin’ diaper, or is it wan with a Velcro? She says, if’n it’s a terry it might a got a safety pin come loose. So we has a look, an’ it ain’t, but the baby keeps on cryin’.

He says, Mildred, I asks her, what’s wrong with it. She says, ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, ‘ceptin’ it ain’t happy.

He says, Mildred, I was fresh outta ideas, an’ it kept on cryin’ right up until about five minutes before they got back.

I says, dint they leave ya a bottle, dear?

He says, Mildred, sure, they left me a bottle, but I dint get time ta drink it.

 

That’s What Ya Get! The first collection of Kowalski’s Assertions

by Brindley Hallam Dennis and with illustrations by Alex Halfpenny, That’s What Ya Get! is out now from Unbound Press.                                                                              

Norman Hadley at Lunecy Review says: When ya can get That’s What Ya Get! Get it!

You can get a taste of Kowalski on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Brindley+Hallam+Dennis&search_type=&aq=fin

And the book is available from Unbound Press at:

www.unboundpress.com

“He’s the sort of guy I wouldn’t want to get caught in a lift with; but I’d like to watch someone who was.” – Nick Dowson (author)


I don’t know where Kowalski came from. BHD doesn’t know where he came from, but BHD took him to Lancaster last November:

Kowalski at Lancaster Spotlight club, November 2009

Kowalski Submits, in the form of a letter rather than a monologue is included in the second issue of Beautiful Scruffiness.

http://www.wix.com/morbidmaiden/Beautiful-Scruffiness